The Nave Has Twilight

Man, I love your poetry. I remember reading the name of this a long time ago, and it sounded so... mysterious.

Really, Smi. With talent like this, it's almost physically - or mentally - impossible to deprecate oneself. It has nothing to do with age, or intelligence. You just - you rock. And there really isn't another way to put it, on paper or with my own breath.

Take my hand,
Take my heart,
Just please -
do not let me fall apart.
I clasp the ring you gave me so -
So very, very long ago.
And I think again
Of those I miss
and tears begin
their sad remiss.

That really didn't make sense, but this happens sometimes, when I feel really - emotional, maybe?
But if I don't write it down in record time, it fades away. I probably failed in the grammar department, but I sorta like it. =DD

This is classy, charming and a lovely read. I didn't think I'd like it much, but actually, I enjoyed it greatly. Good work and for once, I have nothing to disagree about.

Lovely, Imp, despite the deviations--villanelles are one of the hardest poems to keep to form and still retain meaning, and you've succeeded brilliantly on that count. ^^ I love that line: "sanctus, sanctus spills." Even without the differing enjambed lines, it's a beautiful line, and the alliteration really adds a feeling of susurration like I'd expect to find in a holy setting. Gorgeous. ^^

My poetry never quite works out - there's a reason Dostoyevsky was a novelist and not a poet. Can't shake those long lines for the life of me. (I seem to either be too simplistic, or too complex. On the upside, I've learned not to write lyric poetry when under the influence of Nietzsche. ^_~)

... and, on the subject of The Nave Has Twilight , the comments on rhythm and format aren't, I just realized, the slightest bit helpful. I had forgotten that you were constrained by a challenge and a predetermined style. ... Hah, so you might want to just entirely disregard that whole pararaph. ><

^_~

Dream Deep wrote:Privyet, Imp. Glad I found this - impish poetry always a delight, even if its not your preferred style (you've got an inborn tilt, I think, towards black alleys, Russians soaked in vodka and Tovish sarcasm, but you always do a nice job of getting outside of your comfort zone, and even better, making the writing stick).

The atmosphere on this one was lovely, a bit reminiscent of Babushka's sketch. Overall, I'd say you relayed the feeling excellently - and the lines "silence is a candle's thrill / sanctus, sanctus spills" are just brilliant - but I don't know that your format works. There are some lines where the rhythm feels awkward, off. And though the continued assonance of the 'ill' sound works nicely to set the diction, it seems like it getsa bit tangled up in the rhythym, as though you're missing a word or two here and there.


DD

Privyet, Imp. Glad I found this - impish poetry always a delight, even if its not your preferred style (you've got an inborn tilt, I think, towards black alleys, Russians soaked in vodka and Tovish sarcasm, but you always do a nice job of getting outside of your comfort zone, and even better, making the writing stick).

The atmosphere on this one was lovely, a bit reminiscent of Babushka's sketch. Overall, I'd say you relayed the feeling excellently - and the lines "silence is a candle's thrill / sanctus, sanctus spills" are just brilliant - but I don't know that your format works. There are some lines where the rhythm feels awkward, off. And though the continued assonance of the 'ill' sound works nicely to set the diction, it seems like it getsa bit tangled up in the rhthym, as though you're missing a word or two here and there.


Ah well, maybe the words themselves will work out a little smoother if you manage a rewrite. But in any event, it was a nice piece and I love the mood. You know, you say "Imp remains no familiar to poetry", and then you do everything in your power to defy that statement. ^_^ Nice work.



DD

Lightly edited, on punctuation.













IMP

whence wrote:Imp, you should probably know that you would've gotten 2nd, but you deviated from the form. The first line of this should've been "sanctus, sanctus, spills" according to the format.

But yes, excellent piece

Imp, you should probably know that you would've gotten 2nd, but you deviated from the form. The first line of this should've been "sanctus, sanctus, spills" according to the format.

But yes, excellent piece

Kitty: Thank you. 'Tis pleasant to think I pulled off the structure that has annoyed you previously without annoying. ^_~


Clau: Ack, yes - you've hit two points on punctuation. After 'still' without a doubt, comma missing.

As to the three stanzas sans full-stop til the end - they are one sentence, grammatically. I fear, broken up, they'd not make sense.


(Ha, and yes...it is 'incense' not 'sence'. !_!)



IMP

Oy, Imp dear. You blow me away with everything you do.

I could visualize the church... marvelous. I love Gregorian chants as well, so "sanctus, sanctus spills" worked wonders. And spill seems like such a good word for how you used it.

My only probably is the punctuation. (Or perhaps my ability to understand you?)

The nave has twilight's still
a rook's nest, the choir loft -
silence is a candle's thrill

and tortured Christ is built
in cracked stone, aloft -
sanctus, sanctus, spills

the crimson light, distilled
in incence dust that wafts -
silence is a candle's thrill.

I have started to develop a distaste for poems written in this style but somehow I like yours despite the tight constraints and repetition. Your rhythm and rhyme are superb, your grammar accurate and your imagery beautiful. A very well written poem so congratulations on this one!